Tuesday, 22 May 2018

A splash a swing and a slide

Evening all 😆
As Textusa is still sulking, let's have another dip into the archives for something suitably fuckwitted to kill time until Holby starts.

This little gem dates from 2011 and is a classic example of her ability to take a piece of absolutely no consequence whatsoever and turn it into a conspiracy which puts Watergate in the shade


Tapas Quiz Night, Question #4/?

Foreword: As you know, I’ve been away from blogging on a personal decision to provide support to someone who’s seriously ailing.
Poor bastard - not only are they ill, they have you leering over them, muttering about inadequate esplanades and government black hats. Just make sure you don't leave any morphine within arms reach, for fuck's sake. 
Only the importance of this post's content would make me come back.
None of your posts are important, you dozy bint. You could piss off for a decade and no-one would notice. 
My decision continues to stand, and I’ll return to my relative’s (and dear, dear friend) bedside until I feel that the continuity of my presence is no longer required.
That 'dear friend' is probably out of bed, bench pressing 200lbs in a desperate attempt to make her go away. "Look, I'm better! I'm better, you mad bitch" 
Thank you for all your patience and understanding.
*Cut to panoramic shot of 5,000 people, clearly not giving a shit* 

Question: How important is routine to a Brit tourist in PdL?  
Well, it depends what you mean. The same non-existent table for dinner? A shagging timetable? Regular bowel movements? 

Of course. Brace yourselves, readers. 
To the point of synchronizing their activities, be it leisure or be it meals, with those of other tourists, apparently complete strangers to one another, so that the intervals between the undertakings of said activities remain strictly fixed and enforced.
So, for example, planning to have dinner while the restaurant is actually open, and not three o'clock in the frigging morning, you mean? Perhaps you expected them to be a bit more adventurous:

"I'd like a table for dinner, please?"
"Certainly sir - date?"
"The Ides of March "
"No - change of plan; the tittytwelfth of Octember"

There is a document, in the PJ Files that has always baffled us: the Slide & Splash (S&S) "reservation" sheet.
It baffled you, dear. You and your idiot tagalongs 
The list of people Textusa had bored into an early grave was growing all the time 

It has baffled us, that is, until today.
Oh god, here we go..... 

Now we’re able to show you how important is this apparently irrelevant piece of paper in solving some “mysteries” of the Maddie McCann Affair.
Now - at this point I have to warn you to lower your expectations. I mean, a lot. We need to lower them to an antipodean level, because this is going to be screaming cobblers of the first magnitude. Don't say I haven't warned you. 

 This piece of paper has the importance of PROVING the direct involvement of BOTH GUESTS and OCEAN CLUB STAFF in the cover-up of Maddie’s death.
Did you get that, folks? In case you didn't, she has emboldened half the words for the hard of thinking. But anyway, this is exciting, isn't it? Proof of the guests and the staff being ''in on it''

I can hardly wait. 💤 

Let’s start with the information it contains:
Yes, lets!  
Now, on a first look, it seems to be filled up with senseless information.
Well, you'd know, dear 
Complete nonsense. We have a set of reservations to go to a water park, the Slide & Splash, located 25 minutes from Lagos:
Really? Where does it say that? 
In her haste to add some arrows to her post, Textusa failed to notice that her route included some trees, a steep river gorge and a brisk 15 mile swim in the Atlantic. All of these were going to be a bastard to do in a minibus.

We also know that the Slide & Splash opens only at 10.00 am:
Indeedy - and what did you deduce from this, Poirot? 
Oh look - an arrow! 

This makes the S&S sheet, if it is in anyway related to the referred theme park, to be able only to be a transportation roster, mentioning the various guests’ departing times from the OC to the Slide & Splash.
Fascinating! Do continue....... 

But that would mean that the OC apparently provided a mini-van every 15 minutes:
at 07.00, for 4 adults,
at 07.15, for 2 adults and 1 baby,
at 07.30, for 6 adults and 2 children,
at 07.45, for 4 adults and 2 children
at 08.00, for 8 adults.
Yes indeed. For a three hour journey, apparently. So at any point did your raisin-sized brain kick in and question this? 

If we add 10 minutes to the 25 minutes that it takes from Lagos to the water park to go from PdL to Slide & Splash, it can be determined that a round trip would take 1H10. For the mini-van used at 07.00 to be used again at 08.00, it would mean that it would ONLY take 5 minutes from PdL to Lagos, and the guests had to be punctual to the minute.
Seemingly not. 

So, what this would really mean is that the OC would have to have provided, apparently, at least 5 different mini-vans and 5 different drivers to comply with what is determined in the S&S sheet. One significant expense of resources.
That's right! So, what could it possibly mean, oh wise one? 

The S&S tours would have to be one MAIN attraction, if not the biggest one, that was provided by the OC resort.
Really? That's where you decided to go with this?  

And requested almost as much as the famous Tapas Bar dinners. After all 29 people apparently reserved for that day alone.
Ah ha! Is the penny dropping yet? 

Wonder if it had a limited number of reservations also...
That's it - you are on the right tracks! Think, think you daft bitch. 

However, we haven’t seen it significantly announced anywhere, nor have we read about it in any of the reviews. Nor in any of of the statements in the PJ Files. Is this yet another secretive activity that could not be released to the public? It seems unlikely to say the least.
That's because it IS fucking unlikely, you spangle-headed loon.  

Another thing that doesn’t fit right here is that if the MACKENSONs and the VINCENTs left at 08.00, they would then arrive at the S&S park at 08.35, which would mean that would have to wait, at least, 01H25for the facility to open its doors.
So what could that mean? Oh please try, you dozy cow. 

Good thing they had the SAVAGEs to talk with, as this family had to rise up real early to get to wait 02H25 at the entrance!
*Bangs head on wall* 

If this family would be in a no-talking mood, as one would expect, then they could also talk with the other 6 families that had arrived before them. If they were in the mood also, that is.

No, definitely, the S&S sheet IS NOT a reservation sheet nor a transportation roster to the Slide & Splash park.
About bloody time! 

Now think about this - if I have some writing paper with chickens on and I use it to make a list as follows:

Post letters
Hair appointment
Pick up dry cleaning
Pint of Milk

..... would anyone reading it assume that I was running errands for the fucking chickens? Then why did you?

Another indication to that effect is that it lacks both a date to which it refers to, as well as there’s no return times for those transported.
Can we please just let go of the idea that it is anything to do with the bastard water park? FFS! 

So, for a long time, the only relevant thing we thought that the S&S sheet showed of interest was thehandwriting.

It’s the same as the one that wrote the first two Tapas “reservation” sheets.
Stalker alert! 

The third, as we know, the one for May 3rd, was written by someone trying to imitate this particular handwriting, but did do a poor job.
Why? For the love of god, why?  

The fact that the handwriting is the same is an important detail but not a clarifying one, in terms of objectivity to determine the purpose of the paper.
That sentence is totally meaningless but it probably sounded good in your empty head

It does allow questioning the fact that the Tapas Bar was used to book a lot of activities, such as dinners, tennis and Slide & Splash tours, when we’ve read in the reviews that ALL the bookings were done at The Mill.
There were no Slide and Splash tours Try to keep up 

But that doesn’t clarify why the S&S sheet even exists.
I am going to insert a little note here.

You are all sensible people. I am sure that, by now many of you will have realised exactly what this bit of paper is and trust me when I say it is of absolutely no significance whatsoever, but let's watch her flounder for a bit longer 

But if the S&S sheet baffled the three of us, it really, really bugged Sina J.
You do surprise me 

Whenever possible, within context or completely out of it, she would bring it into the discussion.
Those long winter evenings must just fly by 
But these discussions led nowhere. We weren't able to come to any adequate conclusion. The intent of this paper remained a mystery, as it just didn’t make any sense at all.
Christ, you are all dimmer than a one watt light bulb 

But what is there to be seen remains there to be seen. Evidence has one HUGE quality, and that it is patient. It will wait whatever time is required for the adequate eyes to see it.
Please stop. Just stop. Autowittering bollocks gets old really quickly 

Recently, Sina J said the following: “I have been thinking yet again about this S&S timetable as it makes no sense as a theme park booking. Could it be a…? Or a…? There is obviously a reason for….. On the other hand could it be a…? It's bugging me that I can't work out what it could be. These names don't crop up elsewhere and there are no statements from them. I don't even know why this was included in the PJ files.”
Well, the Director of Public Prosecutions can sleep easy at night, knowing such a rapier-sharp brain is on the case 

This led to yet another brainstorming session between the three of us. But this time with positive results.

You don't have the collective brains for a light shower.

Thanks again to Sina J, we finally understood what the S&S sheet was all about.
Hoo fucking ray. 

All because she simply paired up the May 7th Tapas “reservation” sheet with the S&S sheet. Here is the that particular Tapas sheet:
Ah, the penny drops at last 
Yes, readers, this is the tapas dinner bookings for 7th May. Mystery solved  

This is what it says:
 If you look attentively at the scribbled line, you don’t have to be great of a detective to see that what was scribbled out was this:
 This then means that the original list, for that day, was made up as such:
Let’s now compare what the S&S sheet (bluewith the Tapas one (red), line by line (I’ll just change on the S&S sheet the order in which the room number with the # people appear, in each of the lines):
So if you transform the apparent a.m. time of the S&S sheet with the p.m. time of the Tapas sheet, you have a PERFECT match, with the exception of the MACKENSON and VINCENT families.

Isn’t that just a fascinating coincidence?
It's not a coincidence, you steaming great shitgibbon - it's a copy 

Another coincidence is that BOTH these documents join up, in time, these families in the exact same groups: HYND with HARRISON and MULLARDBUDEKIN with STINTON-HEELEY; and MACKENSON withVINCENT.
It's a fucking copy 

The third coincidence is that BOTH these documents keep SAVAGE and NEWAN alone.
It's a fucking copy. 

What does Kate McCann have to say about three coincidences?
They are not coincidences. It's a fucking copy. 

That they’re no longer coincidences. Her words, not mine.

So, unless these 29 people were into a VERY UNUSUAL ROUTINE of doing things in the exact same groups, separated by the exact same intervals of times, which is not only unlikely, as is ridiculous, these TWO different documents, mentioning completely distinct activities ARE INTERLINKED.
It's a copy 

They have the exact same information on them.
It is a bastard copy, you fucking loon. 

This PROVES that both the named GUESTS and the OC STAFF that wrote down the information and handed both these papers over to the PJ knew they were providing FALSE information.  
Whoa! Just a minute, loonypants. How have you got from two pieces of paper with the same info to  guests and staff in a conspiracy? 

They are part of a cover-up.
Oh fuck off, do

Now, pay attention to the next bit, readers, because this is where the true cunning of these evil guests and staff will be exposed. Are you ready? Brace yourself, this is going to be rough 

One just has to wonder why HYND was scribbled out at the last minute…

No, say you, there’s the 08.00 vs 20.30 discrepancy in the MACKENSON and VINCENT times.
Oh my god - seal the exits 

First, it’s a minor discrepancy, as both families’ times are changed maintaining the structure of the group, and second, there’s no discrepancy at all, as the change has a reason.
Does it? Tell us, your highness? 

Here you have to remember that the handwriting of the S&S sheet is the SAME as the one that wrote up the first two Tapas “reservation” sheets.

This means that the S&S sheet is nothing but a draft of a list of GUESTS to be used when in the mocking up of an nonexistent "Tapas reservation book", but wasn’t used, at least, at first.

So that's it. The Splash and slide stuff is a list of guests who have agreed to help in the cover up!
Oh it's so simple, now I have seen the light! 

It’s information that has been written down on a Slide & Splash stationary notepad, and has got nothing to do with that theme park in any form or manner. It was written there as it could have been written on another pad with a completely different logo. Or no logo at all.

The information on it is about Tapas “reservations”, and not about anything else.
Indeed it is!

At this point it seems like a good time to stop and explain what all this is about.

It is very simple. The Slide and Splash sheet appears to be from a notepad, probably a promotional item. The information on it is simply a copy of the Tapas reservation sheet for the 7th May. Why did it exist? Well, who knows? Perhaps they briefly ran out of reservation sheets and made do temporarily with a notepad. Maybe someone mislaid the file. Maybe the police had it. It really isn't important.

What is important is this:

The 7th May was some days after Madeleine disappeared, and after the McCanns et al were due to have gone home. So what the fuck is Textusa on about in the next bit, where she claims the Tapas group were supposed to be included in the 8.30 slot? Where she claims it was proof that the guests and staff were engaged in a cover up?

Because another thing she forgets to tell you is that most of the people listed on that sheet didn't even arrive in Portugal until after Madeleine disappeared.

Now read on...... 

What most likely happened is that somebody, by request or own initiative, tried to hand over to the PJonly the first three sheets, May 1st, May 2nd and May 3rd. These were the only ones they had made up until then.
Made up? But we know that the diners ate at the tapas on those dates because there are statements from some of them. Ooops - of course, I forgot, they all lied to cover up the swinging. Especially those two sisters, one heavily pregnant - they must have been a real star turn. 

However, when the reservation sheets were handed over, most likely the PJ requested ALL existing reservation sheets for the month of May, and not only those leading up to the May 3rd evening.

Most likely?

So in other words, you haven't a clue?

It's ''most likely'' they just said "Can we have the tapas bookings?" and they handed over the file, oblivious to the fact that a random scrap of notepaper would result in a lunatic blogger wetting her knickers with excitement 

A natural and adequate request, in my opinion.

 So whoever was handing over the papers, was surprised by this request and had to go back quickly and come up with the “missing” ones.

To say that they didn't have them would give away the whole thing, wouldn't it?
What ''whole thing'' would that be? 

This justifies the difference in the templates and handwritings that we can see between the first three and the last three.

This person had at least one drafted list with him (the handwriting seems to be male) and used it, the S&S sheet.
It's just a copy, you mental 

But there’s one MAIN difference between the times that both these documents were written up: the alleged T9 reservation.

When the S&S sheet was written up, the 20:30 timeslot was booked by the T9, so MACKENSON & VINCENT had to be put at 08.00. But on Monday 7th, there was to be NO T9 booking, so this guy thought it very clever to put these two families at that time, just to reinforce that fact.
Just to reinforce what fact? What the everlasting bollocks is that supposed to mean? 

Stupid move, as we can now clearly see the intent.
I'm glad you can, because the sane amongst us can't 

If anything, it PROVES that the S&S sheet was written up BEFORE the Tapas sheet.
How? Why? How?  

As stupid it was to forget to take out the S&S sheet before handing over the whole lot of the papers.

It must have been the hurry and the pressure that made him do a mistake like that. I can only imagine how hard it was to go back and make up three further “reservation” sheets, and hand them over appearing to have just gone back to pick up three existing ones.
Yes, but you have an imagination that can be best described as ''pathological'' 

And I can imagie what this person has been suffering knowing that the document appeared in the PJ Files, and what it really revealed...
So what DID it reveal, fuckface?

That some people who weren't in Portugal when Madeleine disappeared went for dinner on the 7th?

That's basically it, isn't it?

You jumped straight from "Oh look, these are the same" to "This is all false information and evidence of foul play"

So the handing over of the S&S sheet was an understandable mistake.

However, a fatal one.

As a final note, I’ll leave a comment by Sina J, about the S&S sheet that so much bothered her, but no longer does: “The other thing about that S&S sheet is when you check the dates of these people arriving and leaving they don't match up. Some leave May 5th and others arrive on that date.”
None of them leave! But that is when most of them arrive - and even knowing that, you still don't get it? 

I hope you do understand the importance of this post.

No, we haven't a fucking clue 

Now, if you don't mind, I must go back to my nursing duties, so please, do continue to behave while I’m not around.

Oh fuck off, Florence Shiteingale

(For those of you who fancy reading the original comments, you can find them here
Some of them might sound a tad familiar )


  1. This blog clearly shows just how long she's been winging it for.
    Who could imagine all those words and nothing to show for it but a
    pure obsession with swinging?

  2. I haven't laughed so much in a while. Thanks dude great stuff, can't believe I missed this but you kinda lost me with the swinging comment. But then I got it. Wow. Jaw dropping bomb, who would've fucking thought!:)


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