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Monday, 30 April 2018

Goldflinger

You lucky people

I found something today.

A gem of a post upon which I have yet to comment

Brace yourselves; this is weapons-grade horseshit


No M-Dice, No Game

After every game, staff went over Textusa with a large magnet to see how many pieces she had eaten

With this post I run the risk of you thinking that I'm accident prone or have some sort of "50 Shades of Grey" tendencies
Please god, no. 
as it will seem that not only do I get hit by things as I'm only able to think when that happens. 
Can't imagine why that would be.... 

First it was a fist, Martin Brunt's fist, today is a mallet, a Polo mallet

In fairness, you do bring out the worst in people  

First you have to understand that ironing is just one of those household chores that I particularly dislike
Don't worry, readers - her carers have cut the plug off 

Fred knows that when I'm ironing I'm literally armed and dangerous 
And that's why..... 
so he avoids, literally, even to utter a sound much less a word. 
Probably been trying to get a word in edgeways since 1967 
 So much so that I even believe that if we are to win the lottery one day he'll patiently wait for me to put the ironing board away before breaking the news. 
If he's any sense he'll ring from the Bahamas, before posting you the divorce papers 

Well, one of these mornings I was ironing one of Fred’s Ralph Lauren shirts and, by chance, while looking at the logo I was hit just as if the horse and the player had come to life and popped the mallet right smack in the middle of the forehead. 
*Takes a minute to fondly imagine that scenario* 

A Horse. Textusa will try to convince you there is no horse. Play along. 

"Of course!", I blurted, put the iron in the safe vertical position, and ran to my PC and wrote as quick as I could a mail to my Sisters
 Her email address is Loony@fuckinghalfwit.com

The rest of that morning was me running back and forth to the computer. 
The world clenches it's buttocks in fear 


It was either because I had thought up of another implication of the initial thought or had something to add to the heated ongoing online debate or eagerly go and read other inputs to it. 
I can feel my heart sinking already 

Fred was sitting on the couch and was silently watching me run back and forth and finding it strange how entertained I was with the ironing added with my occasionals Yes! and Yes, that would explain it! 
Biding his time while the SWAT team got into position 

Later he would confess that although theoretically those moments that I was at the PC didn’t count as “ironing moments”, meaning that he could, in theory, say something or ask what was going on, he also realized that I hadn't exactly finished the chore in question so he opted for safe ground and kept his mouth shut. 
Paralysed by fear, probably 

Wise man, my Fred, and that's why I love him so much. 
Because he keeps his mouth shut. You heard it here, folks 

When he finally saw me putting away the board did he feel comfortable to "So what was all that about?” 
And also because the sniper was in position with an enormous tranquiliser dart 

"What? Oh, that? Dear, the most amazing thing just happened. I just realized that without a dice you can’t play a dice game!” said I exuberant with all my brilliance. 
Endearingly modest, as ever. 

Err... and?” he said as looked at me in a strange way certainly thinking his wife had finally last her wits
That ship sailed a long time ago 
Not wanting to dampen your enthusiasm but isn’t that… just obvious?” 
It's too late, Fred. Save yourself. 

I was about to look at him with one of my deadliest stare that I could muster
Run, Fred!  
but did realize that he wasn’t up to date on all the discussion that had just occurred online. 
With a sinking heart, he realised she was about to bring him up to speed 

Yes, yes, you're absolutely right dear. The way I just said it, it's indeed obvious. But just imagine you want to be seen playing a dice game and when you open the box there’s no dice, what then? Then you can’t play the game nor be seen playing it, get it?” 
Oh for fuck's sake..... 

Errr… no…" he said "why don't you just get yourself another set of dice, say from another dice game that you may have and use it? It seems pretty simple to me at least….” 
...as he sidled towards the exit 

Yes, yes, you're absolutely right again dear, but that is if we’re talking about a normal dice game in a normal household and you know how out of the ordinary the Maddie case is…
 

Yes, I had already figured out that it would be Maddie related..." now he was being patronizing, "but I’m just not making the connection” 
That's because there isn't one, Fred. 

Ok, let me try and explain. 
"Must you, dear?" he wept. 


Imagine that you’re a wealthy bloke, one very wealthy and very powerful bloke. One day you and other eleven very wealthy and very powerful blokes are invited, more sort of challenged, to take part in a huge publicity stunt
Oh christ. 

This stunt was based on the idea of having twelve very wealthy and very powerful people challenge each other in what they're supposed to do best: manage money. And what popular game involves playing with money? Monopoly! Following?"
No...... 


"Yeah, guess so..."
Smart move. Play along, Fred..... 


"As it involves twelve very wealthy and very powerful people it could only be a very high-stake Monopolygame. A thirteenth very wealthy and very powerful person would play the banker
Oh not this again.... 

The game was to be played with real money and the property prices raised a thousand times, which meant that Old Kent Road would be worth £60,000 and Mayfair £400,000. Each player would take withhim  £1,500,000 of his own to gamble with, so the winner would walk out with £18,000,000.
 

£18,000,000!! That would make it a very interesting winner-take-all game, wouldn't it?"
"What the fuck is she on about?" Fred mused  


"That would make it more than interesting..." said Fred now more attentive.
...and desperately signalling to the marksman on the roof 


"Now imagine" I continued "that it was it was agreed and decided that it would be played away from the public's eye. The idea was to allow the players not feel the extra pressure of "prying" eyes and could feel they could decide with greater ease."
It's Monopoly, not a heart transplant, ffs 


"So where would they play it?"

"In a luxury yacht out at sea. Imagine the ratings the TVs would have when they showed twelve very wealthy and very powerful people enter the yacht to set off like the Dirty Dozen but, in this particular case, only one was to exit "alive": the winner! 
With a shudder Fred considered the fact that she appeared to be suggesting they were cannibals. I mean, he coped with the swinging nonsense, but really..... 


The yacht would sail for three days, set anchor and the game would begin. When the winner was found, and only then, the anchor would be raised and the yacht would head home
Where?Why?? What??? 

This would enhance the suspense as no one but those on the yacht would know how the game was going, who was winning and who was losing or had lost all, until after seven days
It's fucking Monopoly, possibly the most boring game ever invented 


Seven days would the soonest the public would know who had won.

Seven days, the soonest, but obviously the yacht would be watched, and people would be watching for it to move after dropping anchor. It could be after one day, two or three... no one would know. As long as the anchor remained on the bottom of the sea, the game was still on
...and this isn't livening it up any. 

Then when the yacht finally started its voyage home there would be all the excitement to know who had won all
In the land of "Not Giving a Shit", this would be a real winner 

 

The world, yes, the world would be following that yacht head home. The port would be packed with people upon arrival!"
To see who had won a game of Monopoly. Do you get the feeling she doesn't get out much? 


"Of course it would! All TVs would be there cover it live!", exclaimed Fred really getting into the spirit. I think at this point he had forgotten that I was inventing a scenario and that the game wasn't real much less was it going happen... 
Fred manfully played along. Again.  


"Now imagine that they publicized the idea and as you can easily understand sponsors would be piling on each other to be able to have their logo in someway associated with what would begin as the “Multi-Millionaire Monopoly Madness” to become the “M-Madness”
What the fuck is she on about? 

 

At some point in time, somebody decided to spice things up and you know how? By creating a trophy!
That'll make all the difference 


You see, that way it would further glorify the winner as he would be able to show off to the world when  he would be holding the trophy in his hand as he walked off that yacht under the crowd's hysterical cheers. It's not every day that one can be recognized as having beat other eleven very wealthy and very powerful people, is it?"
Jesus Christ. This is beyond disturbing 


"You bet it is! That would be one cup anyone would like to hold!" agreed enthusiastically Fred.

"No, it wouldn't be a cupSomebody came up with the brilliant idea that instead of playing the game with the conventional set of dice for Monopoly, they would play it with a single 20-face Dungeons & Dragonsdice made out of pure gold:
And the person who came up with this idea - were they very stoned at the time? 


It was yet to occur to Textusa that playing Monopoly with a 20-sided dice would mean she was in jail every five seconds

It would be a UNIQUE dice for a UNIQUE game! So what better trophy than the dice itself? They decided to call it the "M-Dice":
Of course they did 


Today's Special Value - here on QVC

So all agreed and the dice was made specifically for this game by the finest jewelers in South Africa and was scientifically calibrated so that all sides had the exact same probability of appearing regardless of the number it had been engraved with. This was done by changing the carat quality to compensate the missing gold removed to carve the number. 
Oh god - please don't do another science bit 


As you can easily imagine, it was a meticulous process that the media followed attentively. Very attentively
Actually, I can't easily imagine that. At all. 

It took almost two months to complete and when it was finally presented to the world it was valued at over £2,000,000. This raised the prize money to a whopping round figure of £20,000,000!"  
Is there a point to all this?  (I hear you cry) 

"So this took months to prepare if you include the making of the dice, the invitations, the announcements, the marketing campaigns...
..the placemats, the big round table....... 
I can just imagine the enormous suspense it was created for the set-off date!", now Fred was really into it.
I sense a note of scathing in Fred's words. 


The world's tackiest dice, surrounded by a random selection of cartoon characters. I got nothing
  
"You bet! Finally the day came for the yacht set off. Day one of three before the game started, remember? This allowed for the media to speculate on all it wanted from each contestant's peculiarities to the weather and even how the size of the waves would affect the roll of the M-Dice
If I hear one word about the cloud cover...... 


All bookies went into a frenzy. Huge amounts of money exchanged hands on who would hold the M-Diceat the end of the game. Much, much more money than the £20,000,000 prize money was at stake, and it now involved the public and their savings with the media helping the party! 
In the name of god, why? Why?? 


Out at sea, the first three days went by with the expected normality. On the fourth day, or day one for the game all players took their places and set up their money. Only when all was ready was the M-Dice to make its appearance. 
So they sailed out to sea for three days? What the fuck for?  

So with all pomp and circumstance the M-Dice was brought in on a cushion by a man dressed in long tailsand wearing a top-hat
And why not? We always have our dice delivered by a bewigged ponce in a DJ 

And then bad luck struck! The man in long tails tripped just like in a slapstick movie and the cushion, the M-Dice and the top-hat flew overboard." 
Have you been drinking, woman? 

"Now that's one enormous Oooops...!"

"That, my dear, is a quite correct description of what had just happened.  All looked at each other in utter disbelief

Options started to be raised and discussed.  Voices were raised and tempers went completely out of control but a sensation of helplessness invaded all.
Well, it serves them right for playing Monopoly in the middle of the fucking Atlantic 


All options had one thing in common, they all involved unacceptable embarrassment
Anyone prepared to sail for three days then play Monopoly with a shitty gold dice is beyond embarrassment 

They had created a UNIQUE game that depended on a UNIQUE factor, and without it the game simply couldn't be played. They could pretend to have played it and even name a winner but what would the chosen one hold when they arrived at port? 
Who fucking cares?! 


The crowd expected to see someone coming out with the M-Dice and when that wasn't possible to recreatethey would ask what had happened and why there was no M-Dice and when if they were told the truth that the M-Dice was in fact at the bottom of the sea then they would ask with what dice was the game played with and if they were told that it had been with common dice would they accept the outcome?
You are not a well person, are you? 


Remember, people had bet a lot of money under the assumption that the game would be played with the M-Dice. Sure, those who won what they had bet would be fine with the result presented but all others would rightfully contest it and ask for their money back and that would mean winners wouldn't be able to be paid... It would be both the losers and the winners complaining!
Who are these people of whom you speak? And where are they locked up? 


And the sponsors? What to do with the sponsors who had invested so much expecting a return with the success of the event? They wouldn't take it easy to be linked up with such collective incompetence, would they? No, of course not! What an embarrassment! What a giganticenormousmonumental worldwide embarrassment!
Worldwide embarrassment because some twat dropped a dice overboard? Eh? 


So while they decided on what to do, the boat stayed out at seaDay after dayThen days became weeks and weeks, monthsNo one on board knowing exactly what to do but all realizing that with each day that what was already a terrible embarrassment today would be even a greater one tomorrow. 
This is starting to sound like a confession. A confession to something really bad. Okay, Textusa, who did you eat? 


Even so they adamantly refused to face it.

On land everyone at first thought that the game was really be on a roll (when in fact it hadn’t even started) but then all became suspicious. A Monopoly game doesn't last that long

I'm sure it feels like it lasts that long when they are playing against you 

They started to question the organizers but they insisted that the game was still going on. Almost a year after the game was supposed to have started, a spokesman came out and said "The game is almost finishing, there's a player that has now 195 new hotels, so it's almost over"

The man overlooked that you can't have 195 hotels in any Monopoly game, much less "new". And that statement was a year ago.
   
So you see, Fred, no M-Diceno game… and worse, no game, no winner. And the world is STILL waiting for a winner.” 
What? No, let me try that again. What? 

Ok, I understood the story," said Fred "but just one thing, what has all this M-Dice story got to do with Maddie?” 
Fuck knows, mate. Seriously, fuck knows. 


Don’t you see, Fred? When they destroyed Maddie’s body they threw their M-Dice into the sea, they were left with a dice game with no dice.
 

What?” 
What Fred said. 

Tell me, dear, how without a body can anyone justify that the McCanns and the T7 acted alone in PDL? Without the body they can’t pin the blame ONLY on the McCanns and the remainder Tapas, it’s just impossible. Where was the body when the PJ and GNR were present if they weren't helped on May 3rd
Was this before or after the gold dice? Because frankly, I'm confused 

Without Maddie's body SY is left with only two possibilities. One is stick to the abduction story.
 

However that one isn’t sticking anymore. Sure, they could come up with an abductor and say that he disposed of Maddie in a similar way the Spanish fatherJose Breton, did with his kids, Ruth and Jose, by burning them up, and present some “DNA-less” human bones, although in the Breton case the forensic experts were able to determine that the remains found belonged to those two unfortunate children. So the bones they had to find to later be "found" had to match Maddie's DNA, just imagine the scandal if it didn't!  
I think it would be a pretty big fucking scandal if they did 


Anyhow, imagine they got themselves some completely "DNA-less" human bones of the size that would be compatible to a chid's skeleton, they still would have to show the world where exactly the body had been burned and that place had to be somewhere near PdL, Portugal!
Yes, because that should be a piece of piss.

"Excuse me sir - do you have any DNA-free skeletons in stock? I'm asking for a friend" 


To find a scapegoat, or if you want an "abductor", is one defying task, as has been proven to be. because it would mean they would have to find someone who would fit the impossible bill to a tee of proving how he was able to escape the whole world's intense scrutiny and meticulous vigilance. Remember how many blonde little girls were then harassed all over the world?
Yes, it was going to be very difficult to find one who matches the description of "The man no-one saw" 

"Yes and I even remember reading somewhere being said that all blonde little girls then should wear a sticker saying "NO, I'M NOT MADDIE!""
  

"Oh yes I remember that too! Imagine someone having to explain, with facts,  how he was able to escape all that hysteriaBesides that, that same someone had to be willing to be called Maddie’s killer for eternity. They did try it with Hewlett, twice even and they saw it’s an impossible card to play.
 

And the other option?…
 

Oh, that would be to open the whole Pandora’s box that is the Maddie Affair” 


Okay, dear readers - about now you are probably thinking "What the fuck is going on?" I would like to take this time to reassure you that personally I have no idea. None at all.  

Oh, I see… Hmmm, yes, no M-Dice, no game… no Maddie’s body… Well, tell me something, in your crazy Monopoly story, when did the yacht raise its anchor?” 
A damn fine question, Fred 

Honestly, dear, I don’t know when or if they will... they've been out there for almost 20 months now...in 4 months time it will be their 2nd Anniversary out there.. "


For sale - one cabin cruiser, three days from port. May be haunted. Handles well. 


Post Scriptum: 

We want to make two things perfectly clear
That would be very helpful 

First, is that the twelve players plus the banker don't represent anyone. The number of players was chosen in keeping with the Monopoly pieces that appear in the initial picture.

Second, in no way are we implying that Maddie's body was dumped at seaThe analogy made between the M-Dice and Maddie's body is that when the first falls into the sea it becomes as irretrievable as thesecond after it was destroyed, an assumption we're making as to what has happened with the body.

Or maybe not...... 

8 comments:

  1. Dear Not TextuSa,

    Please send me my M-Dice©®™ as seen on QVC, tEXtuSA and Not Textusa.

    I enclose my mental health registration number, current parole report from Rampton Hospital, my section 117 After Care Certificate, all my ASBOs and much treasured severed limb collection.

    Yours,

    aleksandr orlov

    P.S. How many calories is it and will it go through a force-feed tube?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi NT, you have the patience of a saint reading through all that, I only managed the red bits, well done.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Isn’t it the most bonkers thing you have ever read? I can only assume she’d been at the magic mushrooms

    ReplyDelete
  4. Excellent! I honestly thought Fred was made up by you lol! This is unreal, because the first few paragraphs I think are some of the first from her that aren't pure fantasy. She definitely made up the rest from the point of Fred apparently catching on. Didn't happen, nope :D

    Delilah [I have a name now :)]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome, Delilah!
      Poor Fred, one can only feel for him. Although in reality he's possibly been dead for years, buried under the patio while she collects his pension and mows the lawn once a month dressed in his tank top to preserve the fiction that he's still alive

      Delete
    2. Lmao! His tank top? Well, better than his mankini anyway!

      Delilah :)

      Delete
  5. I absolutely love this one, NT. One of my favourites.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it is in contention for the ''Most bonkers post ever'' award

      Delete

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