Friday, 20 April 2018


Well, just because she’s thrown in the towel it doesn’t mean I have.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the PS she decided she wanted to be her swansong. Her lasting legacy. Her final word. Her piece de resistance. Her magnum opus.


Post Scriptum II:

This is the surprise that Ocean Club had especially for me last year at Tapas:

Oooh, what was it - a big banner saying "Go home, Loony"?

A gimp suit and mask?

A year's membership to the All-Algarve Swinger's Anonymous club?

Better even than all these....

A sarcastic table, perched on an inadequate esplanade

On octagonal table for 8. Not even for 9 or 10. Not even round.

But BIG.

Yes, folks! It's a big fucking table!
Where no similar object has ever been photographed:

Apart from the video footage which you claim was "digitally remastered" , a claim that still makes me laugh as you clearly have no idea what it means 
The Ocean Club even provided instructions for those wishing to arrive by parachute 

Clearly put there to convince guests who are not familiar with the case that it was the table where the T9 allegedly had dinner.

Oh clearly, yes. I mean, it's virtually a shrine, isn't it? Plus a table that big clearly disobeys several of the laws of Physics, remember? You were quite adamant about that 

If this doesn’t show the dinners never happened and how compromised with the hoax the Ocean Club is, nothing will.

I think we are probably looking at a "nothing will" situation, sweetie, aren't we?

Because it's just a table. There isn't even a sign saying "Reserved for swingers"

We took at as a homage to the fictitious BRT and to us. Thank you, Ocean Club.

Er - I don't want to piss on your chips, twinkletoes, but I don't think it is..........

Oh, by the way, here is Martin Brunt sitting at the big round table in the Tapas bar. This is the film Textusa claims was digitally remastered. She maintains it is actually a tiny table.



  1. "The Ocean Club even provided instructions for those wishing to arrive by parachute"
    PMSL! That one really set me off.
    Now, what can we make of a big Octagonal table? Are they building a human-scale version of the classic board game, Mousetrap? Has IKEA bought out Mark Warner? Is it the reception area table where written permission will now be issued to prospective swingers? Is it to stand on in a sunken tennis court should you wish to converse at sea-level with a mate about liana-related activity with the Mrs?

    aleksandr orlov

    1. You HAVE to read her posts about how the Big Round Table couldn't exist - she was obsessed with the idea that no table could possibly bear the weight of 9 place settings, what with the massive mass of the placemats, which presumably were made of Chernobyl-thickness lead shielding. Fucking lunatic.

  2. LMFAO!!
    Well King Arthur bloody well managed it. Mind you, he did have Merlin convert wood to Osmium, the densest thing there is, apart from the combined wit of the prile of TeXtUSa sisters.
    If those place mats were not part of the Chernobyl carapace then I think the Ocean Club Scientific Swingers Society have managed to harness Dark Matter and hide it in plain sight as very sturdy table accoutrements.
    However, 9 of 'em would form the combined mass of a small planet...

    aleksandr orlov

    1. On the topic of the sisters, it's all Maria, basically. She uses the other two from time to time - one of them, probably Sina J, wrote the last post in my opinion, but it's essentially her; she is the one with the bad temper and the massive ego. That was fuelled by a stream of hangers-on all giving it "Oh Bronte, you are so wise and clever, please tell us how to think"
      That's like heroin to a narcissist. She is hooked on it.

  3. That's always going to be a problem when her fan club were originally wrested from the old PG Tips chimp adverts. Amazes me when, given she takes such an antagonistic didactic stance, she appears startled that anyone could possibly disagree with her. Than again, anyone who does disagree is one of only four persons, who is in fact only one person...

    aleksandr orlov

    1. For a long time she just ignored any comment which challenged her, so it made it appear as if her demented theories were unanimously endorsed. I started this blog because I was sick and tired of her either deleting or editing my posts.

      The best bits are reserved for her fragile grasp of anything scientific, though. My favourite is the bit where, having seen a picture of a sample of pure cadaverine, as an oily substance in a tube, she confidently asserted that Madeleine's corpse would be covered in a fine sheen of this oily material which had kind of oozed from her pores. Trying to explain how wrong that was to someone with literally no understanding of any branch of science was an absolute hoot.

  4. Well for quite a while I'd seen reference to a "NOT Textusa" not realising who or what it was. It was evident that TeXTusA was only posting favourable comments - so someone said to me to go and check you out for the real deal. And I have never laughed so much in my whole life. I mean we will stick a "LOL" in like punctuation these days - but I really have laughed out loud as you pick your way through the seemingly endless paragraphs with the correct translation!
    Yes, I am afraid science is not their chosen topic. That and the ergonomic restraints required in table construction. However, neither is reality upon which they retain but a faint tenuous grasp.

    aleksandr orlov

    1. I'm glad you liked it :)
      Believe me, there were times when I sat down, faced with these endless pages of drivel, and wondered how in the name of sanity I was going to break it down. That's why I came up with the idea of interrupting every couple of sentences, it was the only way to make sense of it. I have some readers who have told me they don't read her column at all now, they wait until I put mine up and get the edited highlights and the demolition at the same time.
      Her whole thing is very cult-like; her 'followers' are all over her like a tramp's vest and they will swallow anything. Literally anything. I mean, this is a woman who has written 14 posts about Mrs Fenn. She's a lunatic :)

    2. If you haven't seen it, you might like this one from the archives


  5. I think of your translations as an egalitarian gift to mankind. Faced with yet another massive endless 'wall of text(usa)' already the automotive functions of most humans is one of survival and RUN AWAY. That you decided to Rosetta Stone whole batches is beyond the call of duty - and as it happens, fucking hilarious.
    Amazing. As it stands, the tEXtuSa blog is as inviting as typhoid, yet unmissable comedy gold when you add your unique flourishes.
    I never realised that their following were Kool-aid merchants but it figures. Like extras at One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. So, off to read that archive example. I need another fix lol!

    aleksandr orlov

    1. :D Well, I'm glad they help. Without a doubt, the hardest ones to do are the ones littered with diagrams and completely superfluous arrows, like a set of IKEA instructions for building a kitchen cabinet, only without the charm. They make so little sense there is little one can do other than shriek "What the fuck is this shit?!" which is unlikely to be helpful to the bewildered observer :)

  6. Jesus H Christ. I've finally waded through your archive example. Again, I admire your diligence and stamina...
    That aside, various moments of uncontrollable laugher arose here, these being but three gems:

    "Textusa's relatives release the hounds as soon as they hear her car pull up. They have not been fed for 8 days"

    "I really don't know how to make that any simpler for you, I am used to conversing with people whose scientific knowledge has advanced beyond witchcraft."

    "Textusa's family have their escape routes planned for when she mentions the big round table "

    After reading that I don't expect CSI or NCIS to be calling on her too soon to be a SOCO.
    I bet she got one of those kid's chemistry sets when she was 6 and drank most of the phials. It might explain a lot.

    Words fail me. I'm left in an amorphous heap of disbelief and terminal laughter.
    What a way to go.

    aleksandr orlov

  7. There's a whole world of 'caption competition' crying out from their diagrams. I said earlier that your "parachuting instructions" one had me in fits. It takes me back to when all school text books were defiled by some artful wag with much more apposite descriptions of 'the diagram above', something I've never been able to resist myself.
    But ineluctably, all one is left with is WTF!
    So, as it is way too funny not to reiterate:
    "Textusa's family have their escape routes planned for when she mentions the big round table "


    aleksandr orlov

    1. I think you'll like this one


  8. You know what? I went to that link last night and never realised the extent to which delusion, stupidity and Brunt's fist could go. Then, as I gathered up my jaw from the keyboard the computer joined in and managed to blow the whole fuse board in sheer frustration. It was evidently self-preservation on the PC's part. I'd started a reply but [BANG!]... but I'm back here now and I've now finished reading the whole lot. Thank heavens for the 'red bits'.
    I have never seen such protracted shite in all my life about the “Negligence Pirouette” and the efforts the prop designers had gone into to simulate Brunt at a big round table.
    Hard to select the 'best bits' from that blog & your observations so I'll just hoik one part over:

    "Both are a fold-away type, with X-format legs, typical of this kind of outside furniture. Fragile by nature not meant to be used with frequency to hold the weight of the various objects, food and liquids that are usually involved in a full course meal for 9 people."
    What were they eating, that the table wouldn't hold it's weight?
    A whole cow?
    A pig in a bap?
    Whale fillets?

    LMFAO! It was difficult thereafter to see the screen through the tears so I read the last bit feeling the screen in braille. Honestly.
    A whole treatise on the size of a phantom table, be it holograph or still-growing imported Burmese bamboo, which has absolutely nothing to do with the price of fish, not even sea-bass.
    The worrying thing is, not how anyone could make such non sequitur, spurious tenuous leaps of faith, but that there's three of 'em who do!

    aleksandr orlov

    1. I know :) It remains one of my favourites for the sheer breathless audacity. I mean, the man is CLEARLY sat at a big table, but by the end the drones were falling all over her. In fact, I had forgotten quite how bonkers some of these were.....


Leave a message. If you're a conspiraloon, we might publish it, but we reserve the right to take the piss mercilessly. Have a nice day.

Messages not for publication can also be left, or you can email