Monday, 19 October 2015

And now for something completely different. Again.

By Antonella Layzeebitch, Portugal

A Midlands couple in their 40's spoke yesterday about their fury when they were prevented from flying to Portugal because they were unable to produce a letter from their children

"It's disgraceful" said Allison Hardface, 42,and a part-time Ambassador. "We had cleared security and were ready to board when a member of the check-in staff said there was a problem. She demanded a letter from our children, giving us permission to take them on holiday - I have never heard anything like it in my life! It's bad enough you are virtually cavity-searched at security, but this is going too far''

(Not that kind of Fury, you idiot - Editor)

"We were baffled'' said her husband Reginald Hardface, a company director from Wolverhampton. ''I'm a company director, I don't expect to be stopped and asked impertinent questions by proles, not when our house is worth £500k. I sneered at first, and then the wind changed, so I have been stuck like this ever since. It's not acceptable''

Madeleine McCann

''It's not our fault'' said a representative of JetOff, with whom the Hardfaces were due to travel. "Ever since the Madeleine McCann business we have to see a letter from the children confirming that they are happy for their parents to take them away and look after them properly. Failing that, we need to see a confirmed booking for a suitably qualified babysitter, paid in advance. A scribbled note promising to get ''a sensible-looking 14 year old with glasses'' to keep an eye on them is not acceptable, I'm afraid. Sorry, but that's the law, it's out of my hands. Can I interest you in any Duty Free?''

Cupboard Monster

The couple's children were unrepentant.
''I think this is a perfectly sensible move'', said Aggie, aged 4 and three quarters. ''Last year was a fucking nightmare. The pair of them pissed off to the pub every night, leaving me to look after the other two, who ran me ragged. Once I finally got them to go down and tried to get some kip myself, I was woken by a noise and spent the rest of the night convinced there was a monster in the cupboard. I was so scared I shat my nappy, which didn't go down at all well, as I wasn't wearing one at the time''

When asked how she felt about the disruption to their holiday, she said ''I don't give a shit, mate. I'm bracing myself for a fortnight with the Olds as it is, they get bored very easily and he's a nightmare, breaking stuff and claiming it 'came away in his hand'. And she can't even work the washer, so the place smells like a Sumo's jockstrap by Thursday''

Little bastards

Childcare expert Peter Lewis-Morse said this new rule reflected the increased pressure on holiday destinations to avoid being overrun with Cockney plods digging up the countryside looking for missing children.
''It doesn't project a responsible, family image'' he said, ''And frankly there is usually far too much arse-cleavage on view as well, so it's time to put a stop to it''

Aggie confirmed that the family was expected to leave within the next 24 hours, having arranged for her grandmother to fly out and meet them there.
''It means cancelling her hip replacement, but it has to be done'' she said. 
''There is no way I was looking after the other two - they are little bastards. They can both climb out of a cot now, and one of them bit me the other day. I don't get paid enough for this, sorry''

Pamela Gurney is 85


  1. Perhaps the authorities could include a clause (for the children to sign of course) as to whether they (the children) wish to be sedated at night.
    This would be a great idea for all the family, it gives the children the amunition to blackmail the parents for some extras during their vacation and the parents carte blanche to do as the please after sedation has been administered.
    This would be very popular with British tourists in particular don't you think?

    1. Or maybe a tear-off strip that says ''In the event of my disappearance, please sue.........................''?

  2. Thank you! I enjoyed that! - one of them bit me... Ah! - Cockney plods digging up the countryside..


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