Tuesday, 23 June 2015

All Our Loonydays

Well, friends and demented followers of Textusa, it's all gone a bit quiet.

Textusa is pretending to be on holiday, although we all know in reality she is compulsively googling Cadaverine like a wanking chimp.

So I thought it might be fun - for me, anyway - to have a look at an older post about which I have yet to write. I thought I would start with this one, for no particular reason other than the sheer ball-shrivelling silliness of the whole thing.


Tapas Quiz Night, Question #3/?

Textusa's followers wish she would get the fuck on with it

QUESTION: Was it boring to work at the Tapas Bar?

ANSWER: Yes, it must have been, particularly if you were responsible for the bookings.
Oh I don't know. Loudmouthed Brits shouting ''Another 4 bottles of red, Pedro, and get a move on, I've got a kid to check'' must have livened up proceedings considerably 

This last weekend we were invited for lunch by another couple to go to a somewhat fancy and busy restaurant, one where you best book before, or wait for a while until you get to have a table.
Christ, they are getting very fussy in the Twilight Home for the Criminally Insane, aren't they? 

My friend had booked a table for the four of us.
Yes, I always find that booking a table for the correct number of diners is a huge help. Well done that friend. (gripping stuff, isn't it?) 

You may guess by now that as soon as we were greeted by the Host, my eyes were glued to thereservation book.
Of course they were 

It was a plain, unmarked, agenda, A4 size, a day per page, bought at any stationery shop, that was opened on the page of the day we were in.
Well, bugger me. That's amazing. Fancy that. Would you Adam and Eve it? Open on the correct date, you say? Clearly, these people are on the ball. 

The information on it was simple, plain and efficient, in other words, to the point.
And why not? 

There were two sets of information on the day’s page.

One, for those like us, who had booked in time and had a table assigned, and the other for those who had tried to book but didn’t have a table or had just arrived and were willing to wait.
Never! Two sets of information? Isn't technology wonderful? 

For the first set, the information was made up of the customer’s surname, the number of people in total and his/her contact, and, lastly, a number which I presumed was there to indicate the table’s number.
Is that it? No blood group, no emergency number to call in the event of abduction, no secret code for the Holy Grail?  

For the second set there was only the customer’s surname and the total number of people that wished to be seated.
Jesus, really? Well, you just can't get the staff nowadays 

All the names of each one of the sets were written in separate lines, leaving none in-between. However the two sets were separated by two or three lines left blank.
At any point did the Maitre d' say ''Excuse me madam, would you kindly get your enormous conk out of my diary, you nosey bitch'' ?  

The Host checked my friends name and to which table we were assigned to, and neatly proceeded to draw a line across my friend’s "line". Noticed that two thirds of the names on the page had already been “lined” across, and looking around the room, the number of filled up tables conferred with that fact.
Fascinating *yawn* 

The Host then accompanied the four of us to a table where he withdrew the “reservado” that had been put on it for us, and helped me and my lady friend to sit down. Nice to be treated that way, even if it’s the gentleman’s job to do so…
Helped them to sit down, tightened the straps, replaced the knives and forks with a blunt spoon...... 

We had our lunch, delicious and totally unhealthy, and half way through it I decided to go and powder my nose.
For those who don't know, ''Powder my nose'' is twee lady crap for ''I needed a wee'' 

As per the first international rule of womankind, never written but always complied, a lady never goes alone to the washing room, so headed that way with friend, letting the hubbies alone so they could to pay us the so ever deserved compliments behind our backs.
Poor Fred, a man condemned to a life with that loon  

By “coincidence” on the way back we passed by the Host, and I took the opportunity to congratulate him on the elegance of the place and told him that I had noticed that they had only had reservations for lunch, so asked him if they didn’t take any for dinner.
As you do..... 

He answered that it was more critical for lunches on the weekends, and that for both dinner and lunches during the week, the bookings were mostly made in order to have a specific table, than for the need to have "a table".

In any case, they used two separate books, one for lunch, the other, which he pulled for beneath the counter and showed me, for dinner.
How utterly fascinating  

My friend really felt pleased that her husband's choice of restaurant had pleased me so much that I was considering having sometime dinner there.

But, you ask, what has all this to do with being boring, or not, to work at Tapas Bar?
You were letting us experience true boredom?  

Remember that Textusa’s Tapas Quiz Night (TTQN) revolves EXCLUSIVELY around the “Tapas Bar Sheets” (TBS) that some have had the audacity to call it “Tapas Bar Reservation Sheets”.
The bastards 

So the answer to the question is quite simple:

Yes, it must have been terribly BORING to work at Tapas Bar, because at least whoever was responsible for the “reservations” had to have some free time in excess, so that had had the time to draw a FLOWER on what is supposed to be the Reservation Book of the restaurant:
So that's what this is about; a flower. Okay  
This was no ordinary doodle. It was a Black Ops doodle, put there by the government black hats. Or something. 

These types of scribbles/drawings (they may flowers, geometric figures or random lines) are done when one of the following occurs:

- one is talking on the phone (not applicable to Tapas Bar reservations as you’ll see), and although listening to the conversation draws these things on the nearest piece of paper, as if to keep the body busy while the mind is concentrated on something else,

- one is in a meeting, BORED, or not that concentrated on the subject at hand, and distracts oneself with these kind of scribbles,

- one is BORED, say, at the reception, and draws these things to help to pass the time.

So, it must have to have been really, REALLY, boring for the person that worked at Tapas Bar as responsible for bookings, so much so that at some point there was nothing better to do with the time than to draw a FLOWER on one of the “Tapas Bar Sheets”
Well, thank you Dr Freud. 

So people doodle. This is hardly brand new information. So what the fuck are you on about? 

But is it really so?

I tried, in the first part of the post, to describe what a Reservation Book really is all about.

Noticed how much the Host actually handled the book? Just in the exact measure of need.
So your sample size for the sake of comparison is, er, one

It's not a huge study, is it? 

A book like that is to get information and to discharge it. A rather “blunt” and “to-the-point” kind of book. 

Simple and straightforward.

It’s not a book to take messages, nor for one to go dwindling about it. Get the information, write it down. Use the information, discharge it. Simple, plain and OBJECTIVE.

None of the reasons described above to scribble seem apply to the handling of any Restaurant Booking Book. As we’ve seen their use is quite precise.
It is precisely the kind of thing people doodle in, you mad old bat.  

Remember, you had to queue, from 11 a.m., (instead of going straight to the beach with the family or friends) just to get a table at Tapas for dinner. It certainly doesn’t make sense to be able to book by phone, otherwise that would be an unacceptable advantage over those that were delaying the trip to the beach just to guarantee a table for dinner. Completely unfair, and would be protested.

So, whoever was responsible for writing down all the booking information, as correctly and accurately as it should be, was, or should have been, COMPLETELY focused on whatever s/he was writing. Not scribbling flowers.
Well, perhaps you could declare a fatwa, or have them executed, for daring to stray from your norms. I mean, it must be suspicious, yes?  

But, say you, it could be that when all the people that had queue up had done their respective booking, couldn't the person (whoever it may be, because we’re never told who it might have been) responsible for the booking just go and sit on one of the nearby tables and patiently wait for possible reservation latecomers, and then, there and there, draw such a lovely flower?
What the actual fuck are you wittering on about? 

First, talk about being over-staffed.

Second, if that were so, why the need for a queue?

Third, from the TBSs themselves we can see that the demand wasn’t that great so if there was so much free time (because we’re dedicating a person exclusively to this task and customers were not responding as expected albeit the “queue”) why draw only one flower?
What the buggering bollocks is a ''TBS'' ? 

Wouldn’t be natural for the sheet to be filled up with them?

So now you are complaining that there aren't enough flowers? Make your fucking mind up 

And please don’t go and say that the person didn’t draw more just to keep the sheets tidy… ONE or MANY flowers, have the exact same unprofessional, untidy effect on any working paper…
Oh, right-o 

And to say that the person decided that day to make the page a little prettier than usual, is forgetting that that object, the reservation book, is for internal use, and not to please customers nor to impress the boss with artistic initiatives. Also do read further on about " coincidence".
It's a fucking doodle. Get over it. 

The only possible LOGIC reason for that flower to be there would have been for a customer, when it came his turn on the queue to reach the “Reservation Desk”, to not know what exactly he wanted to book and start a conversation with whomever s/he would have been with about what they wanted effectively, and the “host/ess” would be patiently waiting for the outcome while drawing away…
It's a fucking doodle 

But although the only logic possibility, is it REALLY logic?
It does not require logic. It's a doodled picture of a flower, Get a grip, loonypants. 

Just imagine how the remainder customers in the queue react to such behavior from such a customer. I know what I would do and say, but that's silly old me.
They would probably have a discussion about it and decide there were no tapas dinners 

So why on earth was that flower drawn up?
It's a fucking doodle. 

I think the clues to this mystery lie on two factors: date and handwriting.
Of course you do

First, the date. Notice how the flower is drawn up on what one has to call “Universal Coincidence Day”, May 3rd, 2007. The day when every possible coincidence that could happen, just happened, by coincidence. The flower is just one other.
Oh right. So now the flower is a secret cipher meaning ''The child will disappear tonight. Bring the car round, Alphonso''  

Second, the handwriting. Notice the different slant between the handwriting on the TBSs of May 1st and2nd, and the one that is on the 3rd. This tells me that if it wasn’t done by a different person, at least it was done in a different time, and we’re beyond saying that they were done on the dates they were supposed to have been done.
Nope, it's clearly the same hand 

This change in handwriting tells us that the May 3rd TBS was REDONE 
No it doesn't. And there is no change in handwriting evident.  TBS - Tapas Booking Sheet. Phew, I would never have slept 

Probably more than once. 

By the way, the handwriting is so fascinating that it merits a TTQN of its own later on the contest.
I don't want to fucking know. 

The flower tells us that it served to mark that particular sheet. The sheet that would be scrutinized. The sheet for the night Maddie was supposed to have been abducted.
So you are seriously claiming the flower was a secret signal? You are off your head, missus 

To make sure that the information on it would be the desired, and only the desired one.

Those pieces of paper probably went around many hands. For negotiation, for agreement, for confirmation, but also for “chickening” out.
Chickening out. Okay. Of what? Oh hang on, let me guess - the cover up. So it was planned days ahead? But that doesn't fit in with your retard theory,  dickhead.

The apparent fact that the TBS had to be redone indicates that people changed their minds some times while they were being crafted. The names that are there now, are there FOREVER, and nobody will ever know, at least for certain, which names were pulled out.
Ah - so they were given a choice, were they? Like signing up for an excursion.

''Sign here for the trip to the ruined chateau, here for the wine-tasting, here for the birdwatching boat trip and here to cover up the death of an infant. Have a nice day''. Of course, it all makes sense now.  

But, as I said, it might all be me just letting my imagination get the better of me.
You don't fucking say? 
After all, boredom is boredom, and it could have been terribly, terribly boring to have been the one chosen to take down the bookings for dinners at the Tapas Bar.
If it involved sitting in the baking heat with a pen, some paper and a conspiracy to arrange, I'm sure it was a right pain in the arse.

By the way, just to finish, isn’t a flower such a feminine thing to draw?
Yes indeed. Would have been much more interesting to draw a farting elephant. Your point is? 

Post Scriptum:
A reader has raised the possibility of the flower not being a flower but "someone attempting to doodle over something that was written and later decided they did not want others to be able to view what was originally written, hence the doodle". We, as always, will let the readers make their own judgment:
Yes, you are correct. Your reader is as fucked up as you are  
The Flower of death and conspiracy. Blooms only in the presence of a big round table


  1. Hahahahaha the flower not being a flower.....Well actually it does look rather suspicious. Something like "tattoo", or could it be "tettusa". Yep, I always suspected the letter X was missing in the Portuguese Alphabet!

    Spot on as usual, You do lighten up my holiday that's for sure. As for Tettusa....

  2. Thanks!
    Well, I thought I had better keep everyone entertained during Textusa's pretendy holiday.

    This post has always made me laugh. How anyone can read anything suspicious into a flower doodle is completely beyond me. Talk about seeing what you want to see!

    1. Her posh lunch date sounds fairly pretendy too. All a bit sad and bonkers - does 'hubby' even exist (how annoying is that word btw)?
      PS Ta for the Veep recommendation in previous comment, I'll check it out :)

    2. Poor Fred - we only have her word for it, but she apparently runs her bonkers theories past him, so the poor man probably lies in a darkened room, longing for a quick death.

  3. It is clearly a CF (coded reference) to the POB (place of burial),- of what we do not know , the bottom line needs to be decoded, possibly dipped in lemon juice and we will have the solution. The right hand leaf is a cunningly hidden pointer, (nearly an arrow) so once decoded the drawing needs to be laid on the map and right where the point of the RHL (right hand leaf) is whatever we're looking for.
    The word so cunningly hidden at the bottom looks like Fottas and why that sinister floating leaf? We all know that.. ..
    Head falls on chest... fattos, Fatwa, sickle at the end ...zzzzzzz

    1. Brilliant! I thought you were her for a minute.

      The bloody abbreviations are bad enough, but I'm still recovering from the horror that was ''Murat-Grapes''

      And there's another one which makes me howl with laughter, something to do with very important people, but I can't remember it at the moment.

      God, she's nuts....

  4. Looks like Tex is waiting for you..... ;-) ..... don't let her wait too long..... she might start acting funny

    "Textusa23 Jun 2015, 10:54:00
    Anonymous 19 Jun 2015, 10:33:00,
    We hope we're sitting down waiting for an answer from Insane. It seems he's now running away from the dogs. In this case, literally."

    1. ''Running away from the dogs''?
      Oh christ, what is the raddled old fool on about now?

      Thanks for the heads up, I'll have a gander :))

  5. I have replied over there, but in case she hides it - she does that a lot - here it is

    ''What are you whining about now, you daft tart?

    I see you have an 'anon' who's struggling to keep up, so allow me.

    No, a body does not have to have been in direct contact with a surface in order for a dog to alert.

    Your statement....

    ''If M died in apartment and he accepts dog alerts, but believes tapas dining story, then logically, a burglar/ abductor must have killed M and taken her - without her body making contact with alert areas? ''

    .....should not contain the word ''logically'' because logic plays no part in that little bit of escapism.

    ''Cadaver odour'' has been shown in studies to persist for at least a year in a similar situation, so two months is certainly not infeasible.

    I already covered the garden area I suggest you try reading it again.

    I said the alert in the car was probably secondary contamination and that I did not believe her body had ever been transported in it, yes. Is there a bit of that you still don't understand?

    There were no blood splatters, no blood was confirmed in the apartment at all. Therefore it is not possible to confirm the source of the blood dog alerts. Stop me if I am going too fast for you.

    I have read the FSS report and all the interim communications and I can't find any fault with it. The conclusion of the FSS was not ''nothing was found to implicate the parents''. They were tasked with looking for evidence of what happened to Madeleine and who was responsible. The paucity of the material recovered did not allow for any conclusions which were of particular value to the investigation.

    Now - what don't you understand?

    Enjoying that holiday, Textusa?


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