Saturday, 16 May 2015

NotTextusa's guide to Textusa

Evening all.

While we wait for Textusa to recover from last week's mauling, I thought it might be useful to have a guide to some of her more lunatic proclamations, suggestions and theories.

I originally split it into four categories - genuinely demented, completely touched, utterly mad and a bit barking.

But then I realised we had three empty categories

So here's a guide to Textusa's genuinely demented theories. Enjoy.

1) There was no Big Round Table

Apparently, some bizarre law of physics, unknown to the rest of the known universe, decrees that if 9 people sit around one table it will cause a rip in the Space/Time continuum. Or something. Anyway, she reckons it isn't possible, therefore there can't be a table around which all the tapas sat. This gives rise to demented theory number 2....

2) There were no Tapas dinners

No big round table = no tapas dinners. Almost vulcan in it's logic really, isn't it?
Of course, lots of people either ate in the Tapas or served customers in the Tapas, which makes it a bit tricky, so this leads us to mad theory number 3 ......

3) The Tapas staff were ''in on it''

Yes, naturally the staff would all freely lie about the disappearance of a small child, despite the massive reward on offer, because they were scared it would have an adverse effect on their staff reviews. Duh.
Now, if they were lying, the diners were lying too, leading us to mad theory number 4.......

4) The guests were all 'in on it'

Yes folks, you heard it here. The Ocean Club had such leverage over the guests that they all willingly, and with a minimal amount of overnight organisation, lied their arses off to help out a group they had never met before. Well, ladies and gentlemen - lets face it; we've all done it. The question is - why? Ah, time for mad theory 5......

5) The Ocean Club was a swingers resort and the Tapas lot were all there swinging their little arses off.

Those of you who haven't just vomited into your cornflakes may be wondering why an assortment of colleagues wanting to get their NHS-approved rocks off would take a random parent with them?
If so, I congratulate you. It's a fucking good question. I don't think she answered it in any way that won't have you vomiting again, so for tonight we'll leave it there.

Join us tomorrow for part two, in which you will learn that Mrs Fenn was also in on it. And so was the Pope.........

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