Wednesday, 16 April 2014

It's Big. It's Round. It's a Table.

Yesterday we talked about the table that never was

Today we are going to talk about how the table that never was became for a brief period the table that is after all, before being banished once more to the obscurity of never having existed.


Don't worry, I haven't started yet. It gets much worse...

For a couple of years Textusa persisted with her lunatic insistence that she had ''Proved'' the Tapas dinner never happened because she had ''Proved'' that the Big Round Table never existed. This piece of bullshit hypothesis extended of necessity to a declaration that not only had the Tapas dinners never happened but the world and his wife had lied about it to provide an alibi for a weasel-faced twat of a cardiologist and his equally sour-faced wife.

Most people ignored her, to be fair. Hardly anyone reads to the end of a Textusa post; life is simply too short, and they are so utterly turgid that bleeding retinas usually occur by about the 8th foot of scrolling bollocks. But for the small number of devoted followers, clinging devotedly to her emboldened words, her version of events was gospel.

( Incidentally, I particularly despise the way she emboldens approximately every third word, as if saying to the reader ''I don't trust you to be able to pick out the important words on your own so allow me''.  We won't be doing any of that and I will be removing it from any parts of her posts from which I quote)

But then something happened.

Over to Textusa

''The BRT finally appeared and it came from a rather surprising source.

It was when CMTV aired its special on Maddie with Gonçalo Amaral and Francisco Moita Flores in studio.

After this documentary aired we said that we wouldn’t comment about its content until a decision from the Portuguese Justice System on the ongoing damage trial McCann v Amaral in Lisbon.

Our decision was made so as not to hinder in any way whatever tactic Mr Amaral chose to undertake with the CMTV documentary.''
Just pausing there to point and laugh at the arrogance of the woman to think that anything she did or said would have the slightest impact on an ongoing trial. She continues :

 ''But there’s a detail in it that is not from Mr. Amaral, but from the Ocean Club itself.

A “rub-it-in-your-face” moment that no one, to our surprise we must confess, didn’t use to… rub it in our face: the historic moment when the BRT was finally photographed!

After Yeti and the Lochness Monster, only the BRT had remained to be photographed, until that precise moment.

In the CMTV
video, part 1, at 29:00, when dealing with the Smith Sighting, to illustrate where, allegedly, Gerry McCann was at the time:

Here she is!!! The BRT !!!!''
So, ignoring the hysteria, we have established that there was indeed a big fucking round bastard table. Good. Can we go home now?

Sadly not.

She ponders why no-one has picked up on this
But it's been almost 4 months now and no one has told us “Hey Textusa, you (censored), Amaral has just rubbed in your face that there IS a BRT!!!”

No one, why? Not a BH, not a “WH” and not even WH, these being obviously more polite. Why?

We even have had a response prepared since that day “Yes, we noticed it and it will be subject of a future post”.
Well, Textusa, the reason for that is quite simple.

No-one gives a shit.

Anyone with half a brain knows that you are barking mad and has never taken a blind bit of notice, unless to mock. They just assumed you'd been sniffing something, and that's only if they had been arsed to read it in the first place.

The only ones that agree with you are your own drooling supporters and to put it as kindly as possible, they're a bit thick

Clearly, though, she has been sitting on this reply for weeks now, and she's fucked if she's going to let a decent, hand-crafted 24 carat piece of lunacy go to waste. So here it is, you are getting it whether you wanted it or not.

First of all she trots out a load of shite about how it's smaller than she thought it would be. Which is no surprise, because in her previous calculations she seemed to imagine everyone would require the elbow room normally reserved for a Blue Whale. Her Big Round Table could have hosted the fucking Eurovision Song Contest and still had room for a Park and Ride.

Then she notices something. There is a tablecloth involved.

Well, bugger me backwards with a blunt market vegetable, that's a whole new discussion. Launching herself into this with considerable vigour, Textusa opines:

''Look at Mr Amarals’ pictures and ask yourself if these flimsy and wobbly tables would be able to hold the weight of not only of a tablecloth but also all that is alleged to have been put on their tabletops.''
''The weight of a tablecloth''? How much do you think a fucking tablecloth weighs, woman?
I don't know about you, but where I come from, they are traditionally made from cotton or polyester and weigh fuck all. What are yours made of - lead panels? Roofing tiles? MDF?

I tell you what, Tommy Cooper would never have been able to whip one of those away leaving the crockery in place, would he? No he wouldn't;, he'd be too busy applying an ice pack to his hernia.

Almost as if she can hear the guffaws in the background, Textusa realises this might not cut the mustard, so decides to bring out the big guns

''Look at Mr Amarals’ picture above and see if the table is the same as the one that appears in the background of the CMTV documentary with so many chairs around it.
It's not.

Please realise what the CMTV BRT picture REALLY implies.

It means that anyone, and we mean ANYONE, who henceforth says or implies that the BRT did exist is in effect insulting Mr Amaral.''

Er - hang on a sec. I don't think Mr Amaral has said anything about any bloody table, has he? So why are you now hiding behind him? You've taken a picture from his book, showing a table sans tablecloth and in effect said that it in some way gives credence to your lunatic theory?

Bullshit, Textusa

And what's more, she knows it's bullshit, hence the sudden appearance of a Mr Amaral-shaped heat shield. She is saying ''If you don't believe me, you are insulting Mr Amaral''

You really are one cowardly, manipulative twat, Textusa. You have no shame

After that, it all gets even more bonkers. She finds a piece of footage of what she claims is the same spot. There is no table in it. Therefore it can't exist. Clearly she doesn't understand that generally tables are mobile things. They are not cemented into the foundations, nor do they sprout, fully formed, from the ground. So before anyone notices, she decides she had better milk this for all it's worth, with the following statements

 ''That table may be many things, including indeed a table. But is not the table the T9, the Ocean Club, the Quiz Mistress and guests have said existed at Tapas in those 5 evenings.

That table was put there to pass as the BRT but is as fake as the Tapas reservations and the Tapas Reservation Sheets.

Taking into account that the rest of the internet has always been silent about the BRT, this only PROVES that, like Kate McCann, the Ocean Club reads Textusa.''
So, having been confronted with the Table that Never Was, transformed into the Table that Most Decidedly Is, she has now reduced it to The Table that Almost Made Me Look a Complete Twat.

The problem for Textusa is that there really is no ''Almost'' about it.

For Textusa, the table is the entire foundation of her imaginary world. Take away the table and Textusaland is all just wind and piss.

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